I've come to the realization that my marriage is not likely to last much longer. It's been a slow realization, but it's becoming clearer to me everyday. This makes me sad for a whole host of reasons. First, and probably foremost is the fact that I have children. My kids will not get to see each of their parents everyday growing up. They will miss out on having an intact family, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to make things 'normal' for them, it won't be. They are likely to have "step" somethings, blended families, more than one "home." As a divorce lawyer, I spend a lot of time reassuring my clients that it will be ok, but I sure as hell never wanted this for my kids.
I hate to give up the illusion that I could keep it together for life. I took my vows seriously. I don't like to give up, walk away. I'm stubborn. Call it the "German" influence in my DNA, I hate to admit that maybe I can't do everything, be everything, achieve everything. That's difficult, too.
And of course part of me is just sad. While I won't air our dirty laundry on a blog, I think we both went into our marriage with the best intentions. That we could last, despite the odds that exist. Somewhere along the line, it just started unraveling. The "what if's?" are a big part of all of this too. It makes me sad.
Yesterday's gospel lesson was especially poignant. The Pentecost story - but the phrase that got me had to do with the idea was the one about how God cannot reveal everything to us all at once. It made me recall a song - "you could touch it, but your heart would break." The idea that some things are better dealt with as they come, rather than anticipating, analyzing, figuring it all out to the degree that living becomes a planned event.
For today, I'm just sad.