Yesterday i wrote all about being unsettled. Apparently I had good reason to be that way. I lost big today.
This case has been on my mind nonstop for the past 9 months. It was like being pregnant, and today I gave birth to a monster. The trial went well. I was clearly ahead (I think). I got all my records in, I made my points, I cross-examined the opposing party with a flash of righteous anger (which is the best kind for such a thing)... and at the end of the day the Judge believed my evidence - said that he disbelieved the other side's evidence, and yet, he decided to return the child to her addicted, mentally ill and unstable mother. Inexplicably, he didn't see the urgency. I failed to communicate to him in some way. My client loses, and worst of all the child we were fighting over loses. A lot. Her stability, her sense of home, her life as she knows it at 4 and half. I'm angry, but more than that, I'm sad. This child is in danger, I really believe that, and I couldn't protect her. I failed as an advocate, and that just sucks. There's no other way to describe it, it just sucks.
Intellectually i know tomorrow is another day, and honestly it has got to be better than today. But after 10 hours in court today, I could've used better news. My client didn't get what she deserved. I'm disappointed. I know my dreams will be full of all the things I didn't say but would've carried the day. (which of course I know is crazy)
What a day.