Forgiveness

Sometimes I write about things I think I have a good understanding of. Other days I write about things that confound me, or that I'm struggling with. Today I suppose I'm writing about both of these things at the same time. As seems so often the case, I feel a confluence of events/things/ideas are coming to me at one time. As is also usually the case, I'm not certain what to do with all of these things coming together right now.

I've been contemplating forgiveness lately. And not in the abstract way I often contemplate things. For the first time in my recent memory, I've really wanted to forgive someone, and yet I can't seem to find my way. I know my own ability to forgive would bring me healing, and being able to let go would be living into the way I think God intends for me to live this short life I've been given. Still, here I sit, unable to really forgive and move beyond the bitterness.

In the past week, I have come to understand that God is speaking to me about this. The message has come across in different forms and through different people, but it may as well as be a burning bush; it is increasingly evident.

I got together with an old friend this past Monday. We hadn't seen one another in quite awhile. I really enjoyed the time I had with him. He has always understood me, and always seen the best in me, even when I couldn't quite see it or feel it for myself. We talked old times and new times. As our conversation turned more serious, I confessed to him that I was struggling with being able to forgive my ex-husband for his infidelity and a host of other things. I insisted to my friend that my ex wasn't even sorry, how could I be expected to really be able to forgive him when he had never bothered to apologize, or to even be completely honest with me? My old friend listened quietly, and then said, "It's going to hurt for a long time, but if you are who I know you are, you have to open your heart again and forgive him." His words brought me to tears, but still I find myself stuck in this place of sadness and not just a little bit of anger. At least part of my own stuck-ness is that I struggle with forgiving myself for the parts I have played in my own drama, whether with my ex-husband or with others around me.

Just to be certain I got the message, a few days later my ex-husband showed up at my office. To say this was unusual is an understatement. We haven't had a real conversation in months, perhaps a year or more. Our last months under the same roof were ones filled with minimal interaction, we only spoke to one another when forced to. Once he left our home, and I discovered his betrayal was not just imagined, we rarely spoke at all. Most of our interaction was via text message, and was only the most basic of communication, the "when are you picking up the kids?" kind of interaction.

My ex-husband stopped by my office, and I wasn't clear why. Eventually after chatting with me for awhile, he said he was sorry, sorry that he caused me pain and he understood why I was so upset with him. I think his motivations were slightly less than pure, but still, I can no longer complain that he has failed to apologize. I can't use his lack of repentance as an excuse any longer for my own refusal to forgive him, to forgive myself.

In the midst of all of my self-imposed angst over forgiving my ex-husband, I have considered the hypocrisy in my own inability to forgive. After all how many times have I screwed up? And yet I still come to the table. I still ask for and receive the absolution so freely offered by a God I believe loves me again and again even when I'm not sorry, and I don't get it right. I've hurt so many people in my lifetime, and I've felt the relief and joy of being forgiven so many times.

Later that day I was listening to a guy sing a song that was simple, and yet so expressed where I find myself today...in this strange place of seeking forgiveness for myself and yet being unable or unwilling to forgive another. It's an exile of sorts. Perhaps a self-created one, but still it feels a bit like exile. Knowing what needs to happen, knowing who I am and knowing what I value demands that I forgive, and still I seem determined to remain in my current place of separation. I'm not clear where the answer lies. I'm hopeful that I will get to that place in my journey where I will forgive freely, where I will judge less harshly, if at all, where I will seek to understand rather than be understood.

"You are my strength, and I am weak.
You are my strength, and I am weak.
You are my strength, and I am weak.
Maranatha. Maranatha. Maranatha.

I've given up sometimes when I've been tired.
I've given up sometimes when I've been tired.
I've given up sometimes when I've been tired.
Does it move you? Does it move you? Does it move you?

I've fucked it up so many times.
I've fucked it up so many times.
I've fucked it up so many times.
Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

I've found my home in Babylon.
I've found my home in Babylon.
I've found my home in Babylon.
Here in exile. Here in exile. Here in exile."

"Maranatha" - Padraig O Tuama