Monday, August 10, 2009

Back to the beginning

When I first started this blog, I called it "Now what?" because I was trying to figure out what was next for me - whether in my life, my relationships, my spirituality, my career, etc.

So, here I am, six months later, and I feel I've been living in the crossroads for sometime now. I feel my spirituality has been deepened and grown in new and refreshing ways. I feel more comfortable in prayer, and have started to develop rituals around my faith that make sense and make me feel more connected to God, to myself.

My marriage has effectively ended, and although that's a healthy thing for me, I'm still feeling pretty sad and uncertain about all of that. I'm having difficulty coping, and consequently I haven't told many people in my life about this development. I don't want to have to explain myself, and yet that's what I feel compelled to do when I try and tell someone about the divorce. It's complicated, messy. I can't say this area of my life feels any better. I hurt. It's tough. But I have a knowing that is different and new for me. A little bit of certainty I suppose.

My other relationships - friends, family...all are still complex. I find myself being more honest than I've been in a long, long time (if ever) with those closest to me. Still, I struggle with intimacy in relationships. I still feel slightly out of sorts. I discovered that someone in the court system found out about my divorce and felt it necessary to tell 10 or 12 others. That hurt somewhat. I didn't really want to be confronted about my relationship with husband by those I don't know very well. It makes it tough. People seem to want to know the whys and hows and what fors and I'm not willing to share that with the average person I know as an acquaintance. It's complicated.

As for my career/job/vocation...well, that's still very much up in the air. I'm enjoying my job more and more these days. Which is a confusing thing. When I started down this road I felt I was being called or tugged or pulled in a different direction, and today I'm not really sure at all about any of that. Perhaps I've had too much to contend with for me to really focus on that part of my life for now. Not sure, and not ready to make any decisions about any of it. Part of me knows that even contemplating a change in career makes me uneasy (to say the least)...but I'm ok with it conceptually. If it needs to happen, I can handle that, I'm fairly confident of that.

I'm still drawn to the river, and I'm still reading Women who run with the Wolves. Everytime I pick it back up, I am opened to something new. So, it is still important for me to look at from time to time. I'm still struggling to find some balance in my life between work, home, kids, life, etc. But, I imagine that will likely be with me for some time. Life is busy and full and wonderful in many, many ways. I feel cared for by many of those around me, and while that makes me nervous in some ways, it also brings a new kind of peace.

I recently saw a sign on the side of the road in a rural area that is known for its Mennonite population. It said "Prepare to Meet God." If my whole life could be a prayer... A preparation to meet God in every person and every thing that I encounter...imagine that.

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