Monday, July 27, 2009


So, here I am, at the end of July, and feeling a little dazed. It's been a crazy last several months in so many ways. Changes happening everywhere, and I'm ...well...I'm not sure what I am.

I have decided, without formally making a decision, that I'm going to quit therapy for now. I'm not seeing benefit at this point in my life. I saw benefits to the idea, but, ultimately don't feel any better, and I feel myself becoming less and less honest in the sessions. This is my tendency, and I'm working on that in all aspects of my life...honesty, that is.

So, I don't know. Am I in some sort of denial if I quit? I'm ambivalent. On one hand I know therapy has value and its place in most people's lives, but in my own, today, I don't see the value. I'm fairly well aware of my "issues." I see things fairly clearly most days. And most days I like my life, hell, some days I even love my life. For all of the misgivings in the past six months, I feel stronger in many ways. More able to weather the storms I suppose.

I'm still sitting on my divorce papers. They are signed and ready to be finalized, but somehow I'm not ready today. I'm working through this process, and I realize that in my rush to "move onward and upward" I forgot how I felt about all of it. And I feel sad and angry and also a little crazy. So, I'm letting that happen as it was meant to happen for now. Slowly, surely, I'll get through this time. I want to be sure I'm sure. I thought I was "sure" when I got married, but when I look back there were some pretty huge indicators that I wasn't "sure" at all, but rather that I was determined to *do* something. If I had a husband then that told the outside world I was wonderful in some ways. I was loveable and cared for. I felt secure. Now I'm struggling with just the opposite. What does it say about me that I'm divorcing the man I vowed to stick with forever? What does it say that I'm doing this despite the fact that we have children who will be affected by this? I don't like the answers to those questions. And so I'm not ready yet.

Am I in denial about all of it? Well, I'm not sure today. Perhaps tomorrow is going to be a day of clarity for me.

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