I'm a planner. I like to plan things. Whether it be a special dinner or a party or just when I'm going to read a new book, I enjoy thinking about how things are going to go. I must admit that this sometimes lends itself to disappointment. When I "plan" in my mind how things are going to go and then...something or someone interferes. My plans are either thrown out the window or have to be revised. This never makes me particularly happy. I have a certain rigidity about my personality that makes me irritated by the sort of haphazard way life really is.
This brings me to my latest revelation. My life, thus far, really hasn't gone according to my plan. That is...when I was a young girl, I was like many other young girls I think. I thought I would grow up, "find myself", get a job, get married, have babies and live happily ever after. What I didn't plan was that I would struggle with figuring out what to do with my life. That I would fight to find a job that I could really love. That I would get married, only to subsequently get divorced. That my baby would have health issues. None of that was part of the plan. Still, I survived it. And ultimately came out the other side of those times stronger and more whole than before.
Now I find myself in love. It seems strange at 37 to be so enamored with another person, but I am. And I'm enjoying getting to know him and his plans, hopes, failures and losses. The more I know, the more I find myself drawn in. Still, this is outside the plan. My amended plan when I divorced at 34 was to remain single. Raise my babies. Enjoy their lives. Live somewhat vicariously through them. They have been the sun I have revolved around for the past three years. There is a certain comfort to that. Of course I know children grow up and life moves on, but still...I thought they were enough for me. I didn't need another marriage.
Recently I have come to realize that I am now called into another adventure. This one, I will travel with a partner. A man who is my equal. He doesn't want to be rescued from anything or saved from something. He is smart, loyal, funny. In the beginning, I wasn't sure. I wondered if this made sense at this time, in this place. But eventually I was able to let go and accept the gift standing before me. It's been an awesome journey so far. I can't wait for the next 6 months, 5 years, 50 years.
I have to admit, life hasn't went according to plan. And yet I'm more optimistic than ever about what direction I'm heading in.
